French River, Northern Ontario
"The journey of these years have been toward quiet - toward creating quiet around me, but more than that, toward creating quiet within me, which is much more difficult, and much more profound." Shauna Niequist
What began eleven years ago as an awareness that I needed to choose to love myself has become a modus operandi for me. Last weekend I conducted my first full-day, sold-out workshop, with ten beautiful women who trusted me to guide them gently towards a deeper sense of self love and compassion. I invited them to begin learning new ways to show up in their world, to begin to have the capacity to offer themselves wholeheartedly. To themselves, to their loved ones, to their community. While this time I specifically wanted to work with just women, I have witnessed this tug of war, between working and living, as something that impacts us all. That is to say, if we’re not succeeding by the world’s standards, we must be failing.
The truth is I felt like a failure, even when things were going well, even when my first business was hand-picked for an “Excellence in Small Business” award, because my internal programming was still wired to tell me I am only worthy if I’m making a certain amount of money and working a certain number of hours per week and, and, and. In other words, doing it perfectly. And, since there is no such thing as perfection, I failed. Was it completely conscious? Absolutely not. Most of these awarenesses came when questions were asked. By coaches and mentors. From writing group prompts and a few dear friends who cared enough to notice or ask. Other epiphanies came while reading my favourite poetry or song lyrics and of course books and visual art. The world is here, teaching us in every moment, if we are mindful enough to notice.
Learning to love myself better is more about becoming better acquainted with myself, about learning where all of my beliefs and actions originate. What makes me tick? Why do I still yell, sometimes? Why do I wake up feeling sad some days, and then another day I wake up full of joy and peace when I am living the same life I had yesterday? And yet - remembering that I am still very much human with a full gamut of emotions that want to be attended to. We all live in this human experience and we’re either thriving or not. Writing and journalling help me determine what is actually percolating beneath the surface. Who are we beneath it all? And do we care enough to know?
I recently attended an online workshop with Maria Bowler - author, professor and life coach - who taught about creative ambition as an alternative to ladder ambition. She gave a series of journal prompts throughout the 90 minute workshop and this is some of what I wrote.
What did I inherit ambition as?
I inherited ambition as a coat to weigh me down, to keep me burdened and heavy enough to make it feel as if slugging and pushing was the only way to succeed. That it couldn’t ever feel easy. That succeeding was only worth it, if you exhausted yourself to get there.
What does creative ambition look like for me?
A flower in full bloom.
If there’s no ladder to climb or perfect performance, what’s alive in me?
What’s alive in me is my sense of joyfulness and peace at having a beautiful life-work balance. Of showing up for my loved ones as a successful human being. By successful, I mean, one who seeks to live from wholeness. One who seeks truth to give me clarity. One who seeks faith to strengthen my connection with the Divine - in heaven - as well as the Divine in my fellow humans. One who embodies creativity - in my writing, my music, my poetry - my “how” I show up in the work, in my unique offerings.
What’s alive in me, is curiosity. About the world, about how we - as humans - show up in our lives. About how it all works and fits together and how we can choose to examine our lives. What’s alive in me is the sense of calm I find in these morning pages, a rescue for my restlessness, my mind that sometimes wants to spin and ruminate. What’s alive in me is a sense of deep compassion towards my daughter, as she shows up in her own life, hungry for meaning and the identity of who she is.
If I didn’t have to hold the centre, (or - in the words of a brilliant music coach - ‘be larger than life-sized’) who am I?
I am a woman who lives in the wonder of watching and guiding others to seek and find their way. I focus on what I have before me - a summer of ease, flow and enjoyment with family. I don’t have to solve anyone’s problems. I can rest knowing that God will show me how to help, if at all. I can pause when life is pausing me. I can wait while the light is red. I can show up wholeheartedly as a woman who knows who she is, with or without the audience, the clients, the outside affirmations and confirmations. I can be who I am. Know that this is enough.
I can rest in knowing that what is for me will be, and what is not will pass me by. I can accept the ease of what the universe sends my way, without needing to know every detail about how it is happening.
I can pause. Know that I am doing the right work, know that I am preparing for what is coming. I can also pick up the pace when I am ready to. I can also grow my capacity as needed. I can be who I am when the time is right.
I can TRUST myself, my work and my creator. I can express gratitude at living in abundance, with the mindset of WOW, I know my value as a human and my worth is inherent.
If I am living from creative ambition I can rest knowing that my worth is unaffected by who accepts me, and what I offer. Or not. I can know that who I am is who I am, irregardless of the opinions of others. I can create from a place of wholeheartedness and stillness and peacefulness.
I can be true to my path, live within my Divine guidance.
If any of this resonates with you, if you’re wondering what self-love has to do with our own messy lives, take these journal prompts and make them yours. For me, it helped clarify who I want to be, how I want to show up in my world. Am I doing it perfectly? Hell no! As always, I am learning how to be here. It gives me so much joy to keep searching, keep asking.
As always, peace and love to you and yours,
Jaclyn
xo
I absolutely love it when you
Such great questions! As I read the first one or two, my mind was - wow these are excellent questions for me to answer. So pleased to come to the end of them and your invitation to share them.
Love this! I hear you so clearly in these words and I can pretend we're sitting together and you're sharing your heart with me... right here, right now. I love how you're learning how to be here now.